bing bong!) DOUGLAS: Good evening. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. Just to let you know we're now making our final preparations to Fly You To The Moon. While we're airborne I do hope you'll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars; those of you sitting on the left-hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right-hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand; in other words, baby, kiss me. Cabin doors to automatic. OPENING CREDITS [BC]: This week: Cremona! MARTIN: [chuckles] Very good, very good. Okay, my turn. DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . "Come Fly With Me". MARTIN: [clears throat] (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air I'd like to invite you to [sings] Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly awa? CAROLYN: [intercom] Martin! Martin, what on earth are you doing? MARTIN: Carolyn! I?oh?yes! Nothing! CAROLYN: What's going on in there? You've been on stand for half an hour! I've been waiting for you in the portacabin! DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: But you didn't come in! DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows that's not true, but I have things to tell you. [In the portacabin.] CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess who's got a job tomorrow? I'll give you a clue: it's us. DOUGLAS: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense. CAROLYN: Anyway, you'll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy. MARTIN: A film star? CAROLYN: Mm-hmm. MARTIN: Which one? CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay. MARTIN: Oh, yes, wasn't she? ARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?! DOUGLAS: Good lord, Arthur, I didn't know you were here! ARTHUR: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! MARTIN: What were you doing behind there? CAROLYN: And what are you talking about, idiot child? ARTHUR: She was Griselda, the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot! CAROLYN: Oh, was she. ARTHUR: YES! She's the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur! DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur. ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excalibur's a person. DOUGLAS: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers? ARTHUR: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out he's a vampire! CAROLYN: Arthur? There's something on your face. ARTHUR: Oh. Got it? CAROLYN: No, no, lower, it's hanging off the bottom of your face. It's a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh, and it's flapping about making a horrible noise. Will you make it stop? ARTHUR: Right. Yes. Sorry, Mum. CAROLYN: Thank you. Now scatter to the winds, all of you. Martin, flight plan; Douglas, load sheet; Arthur, coffee. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Fly, my pretties, fly! MARTIN: Come on, monkey face. ARTHUR: Right-o! [They exit.] DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine we're staying at the Excelsior? CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because that's as close as you're getting. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi. DOUGLAS: Oh, no! The Garibaldi's an absolute dump! CAROLYN: A dump, yes, but a keenly priced dump. DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline we'd be staying at the Excelsior. CAROLYN: Agreed, and if you were proper pilots you'd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now go and do me that load sheet. One passenger, and a dozen shirts. DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses, is she? CAROLYN: No, the film's set in Fascist Italy. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the, um . . . DOUGLAS: Extras? CAROLYN: Yes, playing . . . DOUGLAS: Blackshirts? CAROLYN: Precisely. [The next day, in the portacabin.] MARTIN: "Good moooorning, madam, and welco?" No. 'Ma'am.' "Good morning, ma'am, and welc? " No, she's not the Queen! Hmm. "Good morning, Ms Macaulay, and wel?" No, 'madam'. [ARTHUR and DOUGLAS enter, with the sound of voices in the background] ARTHUR: ?thing is, is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes? DOUGLAS: Hmm. I really don't know. ARTHUR: You see, part of me thinks? DOUGLAS: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say 'know'? I meant 'care'. I don't really care. 'Morning, Martin, you're looking very smart. MARTIN: No I'm not, no more than usual, this is how I always look, what are you saying? DOUGLAS: Yes, you're quite right, it was an unforgivable compliment, I do apologize. Now then, Arthur, spot test. ARTHUR: Oh, great! I love these. DOUGLAS: What can you tell me about the group of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin? ARTHUR: Right. Um, I didn't really notice them. Um . . . Mostly men, I think. Uh, I think one of them had a beard . . . that's it. DOUGLAS: There are about thirty of them, all wearing homemade suits of armour, and singing a song about a dragon. ARTHUR: Yeah, now you say that . . . MARTIN: Suits of armour? Why on earth? [HESTER MACAULAY enters, accompanied by the strains of the crowd singing "as it was written, so it shall BEEEEE . . . !"] HESTER: Thank you, thank you! Yes, thank you. [door slams shut] Oh. Hello. MJN Air? MARTIN: Yes! Hel-lo. Er, good morning, miss?madam, and well, m-m-madam Macaulay, miss Ma?mmMm?Ms Macaulay! HESTER: Ooh! Thank you. But please, call me Hester. DOUGLAS: Yes, the full title's rather a mouthful, isn't it? MARTIN: Th-th-th-this is First Offi?I mean, I'm . . . Captain Martin Crieff, but this is the first officer, Douglas Richardson, the co-pilot. HESTER: Pleased to meet you, Mr Co-Pilot. Is that like being a co-star? DOUGLAS: I suppose it is, yes. MARTIN: [laughs] Well not really, I mean, 'co-star' is equal with the other co-star whereas the co-pilot is junior to me. HESTER: Oh yes, I'm sure he is, Captain Crieff. MARTIN: Please, call me madam?MARTIN! HESTER: Thank you, Martin, I will. And who is this? ARTHUR: Hello! I am Arthur. HESTER: What. ARTHUR: Er . . . I'm Arthur? HESTER: "King of the Britons"? ARTHUR: Steward of the Aeroplane. DOUGLAS: He, er, he really is called Arthur. HESTER: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Arthur. I thought you were one of those . . . idiotic fans. Now, I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager? MARTIN: Oh yes, yes, of course! Just through that door there. HESTER: Thank you so much, Captain?ah, Martin. MARTIN: Oh, you're quite welcome, Hester. [HESTER exits.] DOUGLAS: Oh, quite welcome, Hester. Quite, quite, quite. MARTIN: Jealous! [In CAROLYN's office.] CAROLYN: Oh! Hello. You must be Ms Macaulay. How splendid to meet you. HESTER: Where's the manager? I want to speak to him. CAROLYN: Well, I'm her. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, owner and manager. HESTER: Right. Then what the hell is going on here? I arrive at what I'm assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans. CAROLYN: Would you call them a throng? HESTER: Through which I have to fight my own way! CAROLYN: I'm not sure thirty's a throng. A gathering, maybe. HESTER: Because no one is there to meet me, to help me from the taxi, to take my luggage, to show me to the? CAROLYN: Oh I'm so sorry, I had no idea. We'll make arrangements immediately. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability? HESTER: What? I'm not disabled! CAROLYN: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said you couldn't get out of a taxi without help. HESTER: Listen. Have you even flown a film star before? CAROLYN: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. He's a lovely man. HESTER: Well, I am not Norman Pace. CAROLYN: I was beginning to suspect as much. HESTER: Listen to me, dearie. One more crack out of you and the executive producer of this film will cancel the contract and re-book me on a flight with a professional company. CAROLYN: [after a pause] I'm so sorry if I have in any way offended you. Nothing could be further from my intention. HESTER: That's better. And another thing?is that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pilot? I mean, am I safe to fly with him? CAROLYN: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company. [Later, in the flight deck.] MARTIN: . . . and beside that we have the artificial horizon. HESTER: Gosh, yes! What does it do? MARTIN: Well, it just tells you if you're flying level, or . . . HESTER: Ah! MARTIN: . . . or, or, or-or not level. And if you're not flying level you can correct it on the basis of that. And fly more . . . more . . . DOUGLAS: Levelly? MARTIN: Levelly! DOUGLAS: Lovely. MARTIN: And these are the altimeters? HESTER: Really? They sound like a nice middle-class couple, don't they? [DOUGLAS and HESTER laugh; MARTIN joins in.] MARTIN: H-how d'you mean? HESTER: You know. "Oh, do come in, lovely to see you. Now, have you met the Altimeters?" MARTIN: Oh! [laughing, finally relieved to get the joke] I see! Yes, that's very good! Yes, the Altimeters! Mrs Altimeter and Mr Altimeter! "I'm-I'm-I'm Greg Altimeter and this is my wife, Katherine Altimeter!" HESTER: . . . Exactly, yes. Why do you need two? MARTIN: Um, just in case one goes wrong. DOUGLAS: That's the theory, anyway. In practice, it's like Confucius says, "Man with one altimeter, always know height; man with two, never certain." HESTER: [laughs] MARTIN: Oh, I know loads like that! [laughs, puts on horrible faux-Chinese accent] "Confucius, he say . . . " [pause] Oh, they've, um, they've all gone out...
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