(Carolyn comes onto the flight deck.) MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Listen to this! This chamber orchestra we’re picking up – listen to what their conductor’s put under ‘Any Special Requirements’: “The first violins will not sit together; the second violins will not sit apart. The harpist will ignore you unless your aura is orange; there is nothing you can do to make your aura more orange. The tubist must on no account be given alcohol; the conductor must at all times be given alcohol. He will also require the toilet to himself for an hour before landing. And, most importantly, the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko-Bohusz, will be working under the presumption that you are trying to kill her unless proved otherwise, so avoid approaching her with blunt instruments, sharp knives or hot liquids.” Terrific! How am I supposed to serve her dinner? DOUGLAS: Carefully. Opening credits. This week: Gdansk! MARTIN: Amsterdam, Golf Tango India. With you flight level three-three-zero. AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, radar identified. Continue as cleared. ARTHUR: OK, here’s another list. Uh, everyone ready? Get set: the Seven Deadly Sins. MARTIN: Yes! I know these! I know them! (scribbles frantically) DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Pride. MARTIN: Stop it, Douglas! You’re making it easier for Carolyn! DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Envy. MARTIN: Douglas, stop it now. DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Anger! MARTIN: Stop it! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN: (angry noise) Douglas was distracting me! DOUGLAS: And done. MARTIN: Oh! ARTHUR: OK, let’s see. Um, yeah, Douglas got ’em all. MARTIN: (exasperated sigh) ARTHUR: Uh, Mum’s got ... oh. Sorry, Mum, there’s no Wrath. (He pronounces it ‘rath’) CAROLYN: You mean Wrath. (She pronounces it ‘roth’) Of course there is. ARTHUR: No, I’m sorry. According to this book there’s no Rath or Roth. And you’ve missed out Anger. CAROLYN: That is Wrath, you idiot child! Have you never heard of Wrath? DOUGLAS: You’ve certainly witnessed it often enough. MARTIN: Sorry, Carolyn, we have to go by the book, I’m afraid, so I come second. ARTHUR: Yeah, looks like it, Skip. Uh, let me just check ... Oh, bad luck. You’ve got Lust down twice. MARTIN: Oh, for ... DOUGLAS: Naughty Captain Crieff! Which one did he miss out? ARTHUR: Uh, Pride. DOUGLAS: Irony upon ironies. MARTIN: Let’s do another. I’m gonna win this one. DOUGLAS: Are you now? Then perhaps we should make it a little more interesting. MARTIN: I’m not betting, Douglas. I’ve told you. DOUGLAS: Why not? MARTIN: Because I always ... B-Because it’s beneath my dignity as a captain. ARTHUR: I’ll bet with you, Douglas. CAROLYN: No you won’t. ARTHUR: Oh, but Mum ...! CAROLYN: Don’t “Oh, but Mum” me. Who owns your car? ARTHUR: Douglas does. CAROLYN: Well, then? ARTHUR: He still lets me drive it. DOUGLAS: And at a very competitive hourly rate. MARTIN: All right, no-one’s betting anyone anything. Arthur, what is it? ARTHUR (rifling through his book): Um .... OK, here’s one. On your marks, get set: the Seven Dwarves. (Sounds of scribbling) DOUGLAS: Martin, don’t forget Lusty. MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Shut up! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN: Oh, he distracted me again! DOUGLAS: Done. MARTIN: Oh ... OK, this is unfair. ARTHUR: Yeah, Douglas got ’em all. MARTIN: (exasperated noise) ARTHUR: And Mum’s got ... oh, Mum! There’s no Loopy! CAROLYN: Isn’t there? What’s his name, then, the stupid one? ARTHUR: Well, I-I can’t tell you until Martin’s handed his in. MARTIN: Oh, yes! I could still win! DOUGLAS: I think you’ll find I won. MARTIN: I could still come second! DOUGLAS: Second from last. MARTIN: I could still not lose. CAROLYN: How many have you got? MARTIN: Six. CAROLYN: Ah, same as me. Have you got the stupid one? MARTIN: Yes. CAROLYN: What is it? MARTIN: It’s ... (He stops himself and laughs.) No! (He chuckles.) CAROLYN: Well, it was worth a try. Um, Silly? Dummy? Dizzy? Ditzy? Arthur? ARTHUR (indignantly): Mum! (Someone’s service bell bongs three times.) CAROLYN (exasperated): Oh, for God’s sake! (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: If those jumped-up buskers can’t learn to leave the service bell alone, I swear I’ll cut off their thumbs! DOUGLAS: Come fly the friendly skies. CAROLYN: I’d better go. What was it, then, Arthur, the last Dwarf? MARTIN: No, don’t tell her. I’m gonna remember my last one before you remember yours. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness’ sake, Martin, how childish. Don’t you dare help him, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Scout’s honour. CAROLYN: Right, let’s see what the loonies want now. Ooh, Loony! ARTHUR: No. (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: Madam. What seems to be the problem? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Someone has tampered with my arm-rests. Who is responsible? CAROLYN: Ah-ha. And you must be the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko ... (She struggles with the pronunciation) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Szyszko-Bohusz. CAROLYN: Gesundheit. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: And how do you know I’m bassoonist? Have you been spying on me? CAROLYN: No, madam, but your conductor described you rather vividly. And I won’t pretend it didn’t help that you’re sitting next to a bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Never am I separated from my bassoon. CAROLYN: Oh, the clingy type, is it? Now, then, what’s wrong with your arm-rests? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You tell me what is wrong with arm-rests. CAROLYN: With great pleasure. In a word: nothing. In six words: nothing is wrong with your arm-rests. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: That’s seven words. CAROLYN: “Arm-rests” is hyphenated. Well, I’m glad we’ve had this chat. I’ll see you later. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Mine are higher than the others! CAROLYN: I think not. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: But somebody’s tampered with them! CAROLYN: May I ask who and why – or, if you prefer, whom and whym? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Listen. I am one of world’s leading bassoonists and, believe me, there are many bassoonists who’d be very pleased to see me come to no good. CAROLYN: And doubtless one or two cabin crew. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: So, what are you going to do? CAROLYN: What am I going to do about your theory that, before take-off, a bassoonist or bassoonists unknown broke into the aircraft, selected this seat, fractionally elevated the arm-rests and slunk off to await the – to me – obscure but – to them – presumably inevitable and deadly consequences? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: ... Yes. CAROLYN: I am going to suggest you swap seats with your bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ah. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas. DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: Please? DOUGLAS: Sorry. MARTIN: Just tell me! I’ve gotta get my last Dwarf before Carolyn gets hers. DOUGLAS: There’s a phrase you don’t hear so much since the dwarf-hunting ban. MARTIN: You don’t have to say anything. Just show me your list. DOUGLAS: I couldn’t possibly. I gave Carolyn Scout’s honour. MARTIN: You’re not a Scout! DOUGLAS: You know what they say: once a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: You were never a Scout. DOUGLAS: You know what they say: never a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas! I just want to win something for once! DOUGLAS: Ah, well, if that’s what you want ... MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: ... let’s see: twenty quid says ... MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: ... the ATC at Warsaw is female. MARTIN: Douglas, I told you, I’m not betting ... Female? DOUGLAS: Yep. MARTIN: But they’re nearly all male. DOUGLAS: Well, then, you’ll probably win, won’t you? MARTIN: You must know something. You must somehow know who’s on duty. DOUGLAS: How could I possibly know a thing like that? So, are we on? MARTIN: Not for money. DOUGLAS (sighing): Have it your way. I bet you the cheese tray. MARTIN: Not the whole tray. The Emmental. DOUGLAS: The Brie. MARTIN: Fine. I bet you the Brie that Warsaw Control ... is female. DOUGLAS: No, I said I bet she’s female. MARTIN: I know you did, but since you don’t know either way, you won’t mind taking the more likely bet, will you? DOUGLAS: No. No, I won’t. MARTIN: Good! Then I bet you she’s female. DOUGLAS: You’re on. MARTIN (into radio): Warsaw Control, Golf Tango India. Could we have the latest Gdansk weather, please? WARSAW ATC (male): Golf Tango India ... MARTIN: Oh! WARSAW ATC: Wind shifting twelve, three quarters visibility, scattered thunderclouds. MARTIN (furious): Bloody hell! WARSAW ATC: Well, I’m sorry. They’re quite little thunderclouds. MARTIN: Roger, Warsaw. (He switches off the radio.) I thought you knew it was a woman. DOUGLAS: No. I just relied on you assuming I did. Never mind, Martin. You lose some ... (He pauses for a long moment.) DOUGLAS: ... don’t you? MARTIN: The expression is, “You win some, you lose some.” DOUGLAS: That’s the expression, yes. MARTIN: Come on, I win things sometimes. DOUGLAS: Do you, Captain? MARTIN: Y-Yes I do, First Officer. Don’t forget that, hmm? If I’m such a loser, how come I’m the one with four stripes on my arm? DOUGLAS: Ah, there you have me. MARTIN: Well, I am, and that’s when I’m at work, mind you, not just round the house to impress my wife. DOUGLAS (furious): How dare you bring that up? MARTIN (embarrassed): Douglas ... DOUGLAS: I revealed something deeply personal and private to you in a moment of vulnerability and you use it as a cheap shot. MARTIN: I’m really sorry, Douglas. I didn’t mean to ... No, wait a minute, that’s not what happened. You didn’t reveal anything to me. I caught you out by accident after you’d done everything you could to hide it. DOUGLAS: Nevertheless ... MARTIN: No, there’s no “nevertheless”. That makes it fair game. How’s it any different from all the things you constantly tease me about, like my height, or the number of goes I took to get my CPL, or the time I landed with the brakes on? DOUGLAS: Th...
sherlock-castiel