(bing bong!) MARTIN: Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Just to say there is absolutely nothing to worry about. (bing bong!) MARTIN: Hello. Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everything's fine. (bing bong!) MARTIN: Actually, I wasn't being entirely straight with you just now. You see, it's this damnable sleeping sickness of mine. [Yawns.] Normally I control it with a mysterious stimulant from South America but blast it, my supply's run out. I'm afraid our only hope now is if by some chance someone on board knows how to prepare this stimulant and could? CAROLYN: Yes, we get the message. Arthur, take Martin his coffee. OPENING CREDITS: This week: Douz! ARTHUR: Here you are, skipper! Wow, is that the Sahara? DOUGLAS: The vast sandy thing on the ground? That's the chap, yes. ARTHUR: Wow. It's brilliant! DOUGLAS: Always at hand with the mot juste, aren't you, Arthur? Yes, the Sahara Desert is brilliant, just as the Niagara Falls were brilliant, the Northern Lights were brilliant, and that chap from RyanAir burping the theme to the Muppets was really brilliant. ARTHUR: Come on, that was brilliant. Wow, camels! DOUGLAS: And how would you describe them, in a word? ARTHUR: Brilliant! DOUGLAS: Thought so. ARTHUR: What are they all doing there? DOUGLAS: Filling up. Douz is the last town in Tunisia before the desert. It's like a big camel petrol station. MARTIN: [scoffs] What would you know about petrol stations? DOUGLAS: I've . . . seen them; I drive past them; sometimes I stop for a Kit-Kat. ARTHUR: What, doesn't?doesn't your car need petrol, Douglas? MARTIN: No, Douglas's car does not need petrol. ARTHUR: Wow. Well, maybe I should get one? DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, you keep lumbering on after the uptake. It's sure to tire eventually. What Martin's getting at (and this isn't for your mother's ears) is: you know how we have to run off a couple of litres of fuel before every trip to check for water droplets? Well, there's nothing in the book to say where you have to run it off to. ARTHUR: Ah. MARTIN: I think there's a general understanding that they didn't mean "into the tank of the first officer's Lexus". DOUGLAS: Then they should have said so. I'm not a mind reader. ARTHUR: What, you can run a car on aviation fuel? DOUGLAS: Oh, yes! It's a bit like giving a bunny rabbit cheetah food, but it doesn't half make it go?as I imagine it would do the bunny rabbit. DOUZ ATC: Golf Tango India, good evening. You're cleared to land at your discretion on 2-7. Wind is 200 at 25. DOUGLAS: Roger. [switches off radio] Ooh, breezy. MARTIN: You still happy to take the landing, or shall I? DOUGLAS: Oh, I suspect I'll muddle through, Martin. I was doing my logbook the other day and I noticed that this happens to be my 2,000th landing. ARTHUR: Oh, wow! Is that true? That's amazing. DOUGLAS: Oh. Not "brilliant"? I'm crushed. MARTIN: No, it's not true, Arthur, it's just another transparent attempt to remind me what a mighty Sky God he is. DOUGLAS: Of course it's true! Why would you doubt it? MARTIN: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by the use of the phrase "I was doing my logbook". The last time you did your logbook, you could've had it signed off by Douglas Bader. DOUGLAS: Don't listen to him, Arthur. Two thousand landings precisely. ARTHUR: Wow. And how many takeoffs? DOUGLAS: Oh, nothing like as many. ARTHUR: Right. MARTIN: Mmm, because of course takeoffs are cancelled all the time; landings almost never. DOUGLAS: That's right. ARTHUR: Ah, yes. Of course. MARTIN: [warning beep] Oh, hang on, we've lost one of the hydro systems. DOUGLAS: Mmm, possibly. The thing about Gertie though, bless her, is she is rather The Aeroplane Who Cries Wolf. I particularly enjoyed her last ground proximity warning?the one when we were on the ground. MARTIN: The contents have fallen to zero. Stand by Pump 2 on, check pressure . . . Pressure's falling. No, we really have lost No. 1 hydraulic system! DOUGLAS: Oooh, what fun! MARTIN: Right. Er, right, right. Erm, No. 1 hydraulic system lost. Uh . . . no special procedures! "Notes: lack of rudder will reduce max crosswind limit to 25 knots." DOUGLAS: Won't it just! Arthur, break the emergency glass! I require my Biggles hat. MARTIN: Douglas, this is serious! DOUGLAS: [beep] Douz tower, this is Golf Tango India, we've lost our No. 1 hydraulic system, no operational effects, we continue to make our approach. DOUZ ATC: Roger that, Golf Tango India. We'll have the fire truck on standby. DOUGLAS: You're quite the little ray of sunshine, aren't you, Tower? [beep] (bing-bong!) Hello Carolyn, this is the pointy end. Just to let you know I'll be landing today without No. 1 hydro. CAROLYN: WHAT? Why? DOUGLAS: Oh, I don't know, just to see if I can. All right, everyone, hang on, we're going in! MARTIN: I have control. DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: I have control. I have control! Control, I have it! DOUGLAS: Martin, you gave me this sector, and I'm well within my limits? MARTIN: I know, I know, I'm sorry, but we can't be too careful. DOUGLAS: Too careful? MARTIN: [forcefully] I have control. DOUGLAS: How do you mean, "too careful"? MARTIN: [firmly] Douglas. I have control. DOUGLAS: . . . you have control. [On the tarmac in Douz.] MARTIN: . . . and shutdown checks complete. [Breathes a sigh of relief.] DOUGLAS: Well done, Captain. [Flight deck door opens.] CAROLYN: Good lord, Douglas. You made a right old meal of that, didn't you? DOUGLAS: Not really. CAROLYN: What? You did two go-arounds, then you finally slammed it onto the ground like you were trying to wipe out the dinosaurs. DOUGLAS: Oh, I'm not denying a right old meal was made of it, but I was not the chef du jour. Captain Crieff kindly took control. CAROLYN: What? Martin landed it? With a hydro failure and a crosswind? Martin, you get flustered trying to parallel-park! Why on earth would you take control? MARTIN: I'm the senior pilot on board, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Yes, but Douglas is the better pilot on board. You do see how "better" trumps "senior", don't you? MARTIN: For your information, a firm landing is generally the safest. CAROLYN: If that landing had been any safer it would've killed us. DOUGLAS: You know what they say?a good landing's any landing you can walk away from. A great landing is one where they can re-use the plane. ARTHUR: Mum, I was just taking a look outside and, um . . . the company who sub-contracted to us, are they called Panda Charters? CAROLYN: Yes, why? ARTHUR: And they're hiring us because they have a tech failure? CAROLYN: Yes, why? ARTHUR: Look over there. It looks like quite a big tech failure. CAROLYN: Good lord. DOUGLAS: That is a very broken plane. ARTHUR: Do they have hyenas in the Sahara? MARTIN: Not big enough to attack 737s, but I take your point. [A pause while everyone digests this piece of information.] CAROLYN: Well, let's turn this 'round as quickly as possible. I'll be back in an hour, and watch out for anyone trying to steal our engines. DOUGLAS: Have no fear! Martin will be in control throughout. [CAROLYN opens the door to be greeted by, if it was at all possible, the sounds of the sizzling Sahara at high noon.] CAROLYN: Whew! ARTHUR: Are you all right, mum? CAROLYN: Gosh, it's hot! DOUGLAS: Ah! Sahara not only brilliant, but hot! I see where Arthur gets his way with words. [Back in the flight deck.] MARTIN: So . . . they're officially the national cricket team? DOUGLAS: Apparently. Of Scotland. MARTIN: Didn't think Scots played cricket. DOUGLAS: It seems at least eleven of them do. MARTIN: And the Scotland-Tunisia cricket match, is that a regular thing? DOUGLAS: A hotly-contested Hiberno-African derby, I've no doubt. [A buzz, then the click of a camera.] MARTIN: What are you doing now, Arthur? ARTHUR: Oh, nothing! You two carry on. Act natural. DOUGLAS: Why are you taking our pictures? ARTHUR: Mum's reprinting our company brochure, and she said I could have a go at taking the picture of the cover. DOUGLAS: Oh dear, does that mean we're losing the current one? MARTIN: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer? DOUGLAS: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well. ARTHUR: She's adjusting his pillow! . . . But yeah, it does look a bit strangle-y. [There is a knock at the flight deck door, which then opens.] DOUGLAS: Hello? HABIB: Hello, captain. Compliments of the airfield manager and would you please be able to settle the bill? MARTIN: Yeah, actually I'm the captain. Hello, the one in the captain's seat wearing the captain's hat? HABIB: Sorry, captain. Compliments of the? MARTIN: Yes, all right, give it here. [Flips pages] Yes, fine, fine . . . what's this? HABIB: Um . . . fire truck. MARTIN: Yes, I can read what it says. What does it mean? [Another click of the camera.] DOUGLAS: Really, Arthur? The front page of MJN's brochure, our gallant captain quibbles over a bill? MARTIN: I'm not quibbling, Douglas, it says three hundred dollars here for a fire truck! HABIB: I don't know, it's not usual. DOUGLAS: Oh really? [lowers voice] You know, Martin, these little airfields do rather try things on sometimes if they suspect you're not . . . MARTIN: What? Not what? DOUGLAS: Oh . . . nothing. HABIB: Would you like to speak to the airfield manager, sir? MARTIN: Yes, yes I would. I'll show him whether or not I'm . . . that. [In the airfield manager's office. MARTIN knocks on the ...
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